A True Fall...

Sometimes when something truly horrible happens you feel you'll get a pass for a while. The karmic balance sheet has a huge credit so it's time for some debits to pile up. That wasn't how I felt. Ever since my Mother died I'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept feeling something else really bad was going to happen. And I was certain it had to do with my father. He was out of control - even more so than usual. He'd discovered dating and was in love with someone new every other week. I am not going into details. Let's just say, had there been caller ID I wouldn't have answered his calls.

My brother was living back in Locust Valley. To Big Joe's consternation, Jody was substitute teaching at our high school and playing golf at the club. This would not do. So, my father found him a job. He went off to Minneapolis to go through management training at a small department store chain -- Donaldsons. You had to know Jody to understand this was the least likely place for him but in my eyes it was better than hanging out with our father.

He moved to Minneapolis in September. He didn't hate it, but as the end of October came around we were both feeling a lot of sadness. It had been almost one year since Emmy had died.

I didn't know then that the "first" of everything after a death takes on deeper, more painful, meaning. The closer to the death you are time wise the deeper your shock is. The first couple of months you go about your life, thinking "this can't be real". Shock can create a numbing distraction but what happens when that wears off is the deep pain of loss when you realize how much you miss that person. It sinks in that you'll never see them again. By the first anniversary the pain might be bearable...until a few days before when you realize it's almost "that day" again. That horrible day.

Another bit of unfortunate timing,. my mother was buried on Halloween and my brother's birthday was the next day, November 1st. Great gift!

It was Halloween and I was working on "Dick Clark Live" sitting in the viewing booth talking to my brother on the NBC tie-line. The extravagance of network television in those days...pick up any phone in the building and give the operator any number and you were connected.

Jody was sad. I was sad. I remember our saying how much we missed Mom. I don't remember much else until we said goodbye. I said, "I guess we're both depressed. But it will get better. Next year you'll have a happier birthday".

He said, "ok". And we hung up.

A week later I was visiting at a friend's house. A phone call came for me from my friend, Pam. She was calling from NBC. She'd been working on a show and the NBC operator had been calling different studios looking for me. Pam took the call and said she knew where I was.

"Call your father", she said.

"Your brother is dead."