Life in the Semi-Fast Lane

Well, I was officially "not married"...but still not divorced. It would be one more thing I had to pay for. Jake was still on the boat and the payments were still being taken out of my pay check. My parents were both pushing for the big "D"...but I was dragging my feet. I didn't want to be married to him, but never thought of myself as being divorced at 27. It was one thing to bail on a wedding, now I was bailing on a marriage. What was wrong with me?

The sexual revolution was in full force. Now that I was back on the scene dating-wise I discovered the best thing to do on a date was to order the cheapest thing on the menu. Surely he couldn't expect me to sleep with him for a small Cobb salad? One guy, a dentist, was crazy about my teeth. Yes, the braces had done a wonderful job and my smile was white, white, white. He, however, was a real doozy...after a second dinner he couldn't believe I didn't want to go home with him. His question - "are you a lesbian?" - as if that would be the only reason I wouldn't want to sleep with him. OY!!

Jake and I saw each other every other weekend. I really did love his kids and I really did miss them. Yet, I knew at some point in the relatively near future we would no longer be related and I would be the disposable part of the equation.

Work was an adventure. New shows came onto NBC. One of the oddest was "The Gong Show" - a quasi-talent half hour program with some of the oddest contestants I ever saw. They dressed in outfits that defied description. On bathroom runs I would think "my parents would be so proud if they could see me now". One day a "cowboy" had a startlingly realistic gun in his holster. I alerted the head prop man who asked the contestant for his weapon. It was real - but not loaded, and promptly confiscated. Chuck Barris was the host and creator of the show. He was as silly as the rest of the group involved with this production. It was a set filled with practical jokes, constant laughter and absolutely nothing serious.

And then I met the "chicken"...yes, the chicken...he had long, scraggly legs and was dressed in a chicken suit to open the show. Every taping was sillier than the one before on The Gong Show. The chicken wandered around the studio, dressed in full attire during the first three shows. Then we broke for dinner and the chicken was no where to be found. There was, however, a very good looking man I'd never seen before on line for his meal. I only saw him for a minute or two because we, the contestants and I, went through the line and then ate in another room.

When we went back to tape the fourth show the chicken was back in action. Halfway through the show "it" walked up to me and handed me a note. It said "would you like a glass of wine after the taping?". Surely this was just a chicken joke - if you're too young to remember "Laugh In" stop reading here. I just looked at "it" with what were probably question marks in my eyes. Then "it" walked away".

During the fifth show the chicken stood at the side of the studio closest to where I was seated. Who was this chicken and why would I possibly join it for a glass of wine? Must be a Gong Show joke on the Compliance Cop. I thought nothing of it and at the end of the show I gathered up my volumes of signed "I swear I won't cheat" forms signed by the illustrious contestant crew and started to walk out.

As I was wandering down the hallway between Studios 1 and 3 the good looking guy from the meal break called out to me..."hey, how about that glass of wine?". He was the chicken??? I walked up to him and said "why didn't you tell me who you were?". He replied, "have you ever tried to hit on somebody when you're dressed like a chicken?".

He had a point... we had a glass of wine together...and much, much more.